Sunday, 31 May 2015

Open letter to my Anxiety

Dear Anxiety,

They say that you show yourself when I'm about to step into the world of adults, but I feel like I've known you for a long time. You are this long lost childhood friend, I picture you in my childhood memories with a blurry face and I know it's you. You've always been around me, holding me tight in your suffocating embrace.

When you come, my body cannot take it. You provoke me panic attacks even by anticipating your presence. My stomach hurts, my legs are numb, my heart races, my lungs forget how to work... My whole body is exhausted as you suck all the energy and convert it to an illogic fear.

I spent nights trying to find a way to calm myself. Listening to Chopin, doing breathing exercises, drinking verbena, but it was useless and vain. All those efforts won't make you go away, it's frustrating and it gets worst. I spent my nights searching on forums an answer to my question "What's wrong with me? », "Why is this happening to me?". I couldn't find the right answers: genetics? Lifestyle? Childhood? Biology?

You, anxiety, made me locked up in a prison called "The Jail of My Thoughts". I can't help, but think about all the opportunities I wasted, all those times you booked me for yourself when I could have known sensational feelings, all those memories that I could have created if you weren't around me.

You, anxiety, are a bully. You whisper in my ears death threat "You are worthless", "You are useless", "Nobody loves you", "Everything you're doing is not enough", "YOU'RE GOING TO DIE". 

You and my brain are accomplice of a horrible crime: sequester me in a prison of thoughts and fears. You abuse my body and you make it weak. You maltreat my emotions and surround me with negative vibes.
 I hate my brain for doing this to me as my brain is the tool of processing my thoughts: I HATE ME for doing this TO ME.

What I hate above all is that none can understand what it feels like. I'm trapped inside a frozen creek and everyone walk on the ice without problem while I'm struggling getting back to the surface to breath be warm.... to live

With love 


1 comment:

Thanks for sharing !
Maybe I'll read it, maybe I don't care