Tuesday, 5 January 2016

Letter to my Bipolar Disorder ( by A.A )

Welcome back,

This following post is written by a friend who is living with bipolar disorder :


"I lived five years (and counting) of what people call bipolar depression. It started because it wanted to ....Very simply.

It's a bunch of chemicals in your mind that move around and result in you losing your mind and everything else you might have in your life (friends, relationships, studies, time and very very likely yourself).

It is impossible for a anyone living such things to put down in words or in any kind of expression what it feels like but I'll try and give it my best shot.





I will try my hardest to draw you a little picture of how it feels to be a bipolar depressed person. Have you ever heard of drowning? Well it's pretty much like that. One second you're in your room reading a book the next you're hiding in your closet, tears streaming down your face and your book ? well by your feet torn to pieces. Don't you dare ask how can such things happen. Don't you dare say that this is craziness and insanity. Becaude it's very hard for me to realize and accept the reality of things on the go.



Bipolar "disorder" is when you're green this exact moment and red the next. No trigger. no alarm. no siren. no x factor equation. just like that.

You don't choose. You actually never have the choice. You're not even part of the decision making committee.
You're just there to execute.
 and you shall.
 and you shall live the consequences.
 you shall live the weird looks by people
 the never-ending questions from friends
 the blaming from your best friend.
 the yelling from your parents.
and most importantly the prison of your thoughts.


It's like you're holding the gun, pointing at yourslef and begging yourself not to pull the trigger while screaming and ordering to do so.

Depression? Well it's the gun. it's in your mind. It's a switch. And once it's on, you're fucked. You're there for a whole ride on a rollercoaster. Of course you didn't sign up for it. But who asked for your opinion. It shall do what ever the fuck is on its mind.

Depression is like a lover a very obssessed lover.
 It won't let you go.
 It will kiss your mind and soak it in darkness.
 It will hold your hand through those long walks in the park and leave marks on them when it leaves. It will sing you to sleep songs for agony, and to the sleep that will never come.

 Drowning is extreme.
 Drowning in whatever kind of sea pictures the very end of the spectrum. Drowning represents the last stage before perishing, disappearing forever in the dark depth.
The fear, horror, panic and the despair you feel while looking down as you’re cascading towards the unknown, being pulled by powerful, unbreakable ore chains is indescribable.

You somehow let yourself go, thinking that that is your fate, that is your written story, and you start thinking that giving it all up is the way to go, that nothing matters anymore, that whatever you fought for has now zero presence in your mind, but that’s only what you think or at least what you have left your failure make you think. So, in the end, you accept your journey to “the depth of the ocean” with huge mourn."

This time it is going to be

With love,

A.A

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Thanks for sharing !
Maybe I'll read it, maybe I don't care

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