Thursday, 21 July 2016

Chronicles of a 19 YO Moroccan Girl #14

Chapter 14 : I Can't Get No Satisfaction

I've been asking myself the ultimate question of what I am and what I want for over three years or more, and as terrifying as it may sound I still have no clue.

Of course, I do have a general idea of where I want to end up in 10 years.

 "I want to create good artistic content" is my favorite answer when people ask me what I want to do for the future. However, deep down I don't know what it exactly means.




For a long time in my life, I had to pretend to be someone I'm not in order not to be outcasted by my society and my loved ones.
Then, I came into a point in my life when I no longer had to pretend. At that special moment, I looked for my the meaning of my identity,but I couldn't find it in the pile of masks of lies I've worn all these years.


I tried to unlearn a lot of principles that were inculcated to me when I was a child. I am in this search of truth.


For this search of truth, I decided to detach myself for everything exterior than me.

For this purpose, I put my social relationships on hold. It doesn't mean that I stopped loving people around me, it just mean that I realized the importance of self-care in order to be able to give them (the people I love) the best of me.
 It is the main reason why I emotionally detached myself from the "other"

However, the more I look into myself the more I discover the scary reveal that there isn't much to see.

So I asked myself :" Is it really empty inside or did I hide all what defined me in a sacred place so out of reach that I can't find it anymore?"

I still don't know the answer.

It's scary.

Each time I continue this search of truth and identity, I stop myself from the fear that I will be disapointed with an empty void again.

Each time I want to stop this discovery, I harass myself to carry on from the fear that I will be missing on a something I am great at.

I can't get that passion nor satisfaction.


The solution was to wander... to go with the flow...

Maybe the answer is not to look purposly for the answer but to wait for it.


With love,

Ouej


2 comments:

  1. It felt like reading a page on my diary but with a better style, thanks for share such deep thoughts it is not that easy to do so.

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    1. Thank you so much for being a good reader. I've noticed your comments and it always makes me feel good to read them and know that people appreciate my work

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Thanks for sharing !
Maybe I'll read it, maybe I don't care

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